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Category: The How to enjoy the Holidays with Family Series

How to improve your relationships with ‘difficult’ family members

The Holiday Season is a great time to improve your relationships. 🙂   Or to make them worse. 😐

Traditional family gatherings can create a mixture of emotions and experiences – and not all of them are positive and feel good.

Spending more time than usually with family can be fun, it can build and strengthen feelings of love and connection.

But times of family reunions, like the Christmas season, can also include boring or uncomfortable rituals and customs – e.g.,  long hours of eating, drinking and talking – and strict expectations about how we should behave and contribute to the celebrations. 

Old family stories, the good ones and the bad ones, can still affect the delicate network of feelings that link us with our close and also with the more distant family members.

Also, relationships between family members can change over time; they can improve, but they can also deteriorate for various reasons.

And, of course, we don’t feel loving and close to everyone just because they are somehow related to us. This might not be an issue during the year when we manage to avoid seeing the not-so-much-loved family members, but it can become a problem over the festive season when we are expected to spend time with them.

What can we do to improve our relationships with ‘difficult’ family members?

Our thoughts determine the quality of our relationships with other people. What we think about a family member influences how we feel and act when we are with them.

Thoughts like ‘He/she is so difficult’ create emotions such as stress, defensiveness, frustration, or judgment. This type of emotion leads to a certain type of behaviour. We try to avoid that person, treat them with unfriendliness, or react in a resentful way. This usually makes our relationship and our encounters with that person difficult.

Gaining awareness is always the starting point for positive change

Before we can make any change for the better, we have to become aware of the thoughts we have about the person with whom we want to get on better.

Very often, paying attention to our thinking is actually all we need to open up and develop an understanding that allows us to change our thoughts, feelings and actions. Then, automatically, the relationship will also change.

A great technique to increase our self-awareness and openness to see the other one more objectively and neutrally is to deliberately focus our attention on the fact that we have a lot in common with the other person.

This technique (source: Jody Moore) is easy to apply and really helpful when we struggle or feel stuck in our relationship with another person.

A mind-opening question: In which ways is he/she just like you?

Instead of just thinking, ‘She is difficult’, we can ask ourselves: ‘In what ways is she like me?’

And when we answer this question honestly, we can easily see: ‘Yes, she is difficult in certain areas, like I am difficult in certain areas. She is just like me!’

EXAMPLE

Imagine this little scenario:

You are preparing the Christmas dinner.

Your sister joins you in the kitchen, and very soon, you have a heated discussion with her about how to cook a certain dish. If you are arguing and feeling defensive, it’s probably because you think, ‘She is wrong, I am right. As always, she is not listening; she is not respecting my way of doing things.’

Now is the right time for you to stop and interrupt what’s going on in your mind by asking yourself, ‘ In what ways is she like me?’

It might be that there is a lot you share with your sister:

    • She has clear ideas about food preparation – just like you.
    • She has opinions about the steps to be taken, and she gets confused if other people don’t see it her way – just like you.
    • She wants validation and wants to be right – just like you.
    • She might be feeling disrespected – just like you.

Seeing how your sister is just like you will help you feel compassion and connected to her.

Give it a try 

– when you are feeling attacked or annoyed by people, or if you are feeling judgemental of others –

take a step back and deliberately appreciate all the areas where they are just like you.

It will get you to a more compassionate place. And to better relationships.

What to do if mirroring others’ behaviours and attitudes doesn’t serve us

What is mirroring and how can we manage it intentionally?

Human beings are social beings and that’s why relationships with others impact our lives significantly.

We all crave connection and approval, we want and need to feel loved and valued by others, especially our family members and close friends.

As relationships are so important to us, we want them to be good, and healthy, positive and enjoyable.

But – as we all know – relationships can be challenging and complicated.

This is especially the case at times like the upcoming festive season when we come together with family members we haven’t seen for a while, and when we generally spend much more time together with our relatives than usual throughout the year.

We want to have a good time together and enjoy each other’s company.

A typical human way of building strong connections and greater understanding with someone else is to mirror the other person.

Mirroring happens subconsciously most of the time. We are usually not aware that we are replicating another person’s nonverbal signals, that we imitate their gestures, speech patterns, attitudes or moods.

The positive effects of mirroring each other

In many circumstances and situations, mirroring serves us well and there is no need to become more aware of our imitating actions and reactions. We don’t need to change what makes us feel good.

Imagine a situation like this one:

Your aunt is coming over for Christmas dinner. And she is apparently very happy to see you, she is lovely and kind, and smiling, and curious and asks you a lot of questions.

You’ll probably mirror her without even thinking about it: You direct your attention to your aunt, and start smiling, too, and you react and respond in a kind and friendly way, and show interest in her. The two of you have a lively conversation and feel connected and close to each other.

The negative effects of mirroring each other

Unconscious mirroring, though, can also create problems occasionally. And it seems that this happens especially in emotionally charged situations such as family gatherings.

We not only mirror positive good-feeling signals from others, we also mirror negative attitudes and behaviours.

If someone is critical or judgemental of us, our default reaction is to move into that same negative space. We tend to become critical and judgemental, too.

Imagine a scenario like this one:

Your mother-in-law joins you in the kitchen while you are preparing the Christmas dinner. And she immediately starts criticising what you are doing, suggesting other – ‘better’ – ways of meal preparations, giving comments like ‘you never knew how to do this correctly, I’ll better do this’.

Your normal human behaviour will be to mirror her – you will begin to think and feel and act critically and judgemental of her. Additionally, you might judge yourself for criticising your mother-in-law for her judgments of you. Probably, the atmosphere at dinner will not be very easy-going and joyful.

How can we break the circle of mirroring?

As human beings, we have the ability to override our default mirroring settings, we can decide to stop mirroring the people around us.

Breaking the pattern requires awareness.

In many cases, just the awareness of it will help us to immediately let go of the mirroring. 

In other cases, it requires special attention and effort to make changes, especially if the cycle of mirroring was established a while ago and has become a habit for one (or both) people in the relationship.

We know what to expect, especially in our most challenging relationships. We know what’s probably going to happen – and we can decide to no longer allow the automatic mirroring to happen!

It helps to be well prepared and intentional before we enter a situation that usually initiates the negative mirroring on one (or both) sides.

We take our time to find one helpful thought that we want to choose on purpose when the challenging encounter takes place next time.

And we memorise that thought. We practice it, again and again, until we are 100% sure that we will easily remember it when we’ll need it.

A powerful thought for the mother-in-law scenario described above could be:

    • My mother-in-law is critical and judgemental and that’s o.k. It’s all about her and has nothing to do with me. She can be critical – and I can be calm.
    • Or: Okay, she needs to be right all the time. I can understand that. I don’t mind. I don’t need to be right all the time.
    • Or: Mirroring my mother-in-law is a choice. This year I choose not to mirror her. That’s actually a relief. I can show up as I want to.

What about you and your mirroring tendencies?

What are the situations and relationships that trigger your negative mirroring pattern?

What if you decided to get well prepared – choose a powerful thought and practice it! – and to let go of the mirroring?

How could that positively change the ‘typical’ scenario?

The ‘How to enjoy the Holidays with Family’ Series.

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What do you want to think about your family

“Our families are opportunities for us to grow” (Brooke Castillo)

The holiday season often brings us closer to family, but it can also amplify stress, tension, or unresolved emotions.

How we think about our family directly impacts how we feel and act around them. By becoming more aware of these thoughts, making intentional decisions, and taking deliberate actions, we can transform our family gatherings and interactions into positive, enjoyable experiences.

Let’s explore how using the ADA framework (Awareness, Decisions, Actions) can help you reframe and actively improve your family relationships.

Awareness: Understanding Your Thoughts About Family

To improve your relationships and experiences with your family, start by identifying your current thoughts and feelings.

Use these questions to increase your awareness:

    1. What does “family” mean to you? What do specific family roles mean to you? Consider roles like “mother,” “brother,” or “uncle” and your personal associations with these.
    2. Are there unquestioned traditions or expectations? Identify any that make you feel uncomfortable or frustrated.
    3. Do you like your thoughts about your family members? Are they serving you, or do they cause stress and negativity? If you dread family gatherings because they feel stressful, write down why. – Is it due to expectations, obligations, or unresolved conflicts?

Consider these examples to help you uncover the problem areas in your family:

    • Your Aunt Mary always talks too much, and you usually judge what she says as boring and try to avoid her.
    • Your Cousin Bertie always gets drunk and starts singing later in the evening – but even after so many years, you still expect him to remain sober this year (why should he?).
    • Your mother-in-law always criticises your food preparations, which makes you feel resentful. 
    • Your little nephews often get on your nerves because they are so noisy and demanding.
    • You feel stressed and overwhelmed each year because of everything you have to organise and manage.
    • Your sister expects you always to try all her desserts and praise each of them – and you never stick to your plan to only eat what you want to eat. 

Decisions: Choosing Thoughts That Serve You

Once you’ve identified your thoughts – and how they make you feel -, decide which ones to keep and which to change.

It is always good to remember that we can’t control others, but we can control our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Here’s how:

    • Drop expectations of others behaving differently – they won’t, most probably. Focus on how you can adjust your perspective.
    • Decide how you want to feel. For example, if you want to feel calm, choose thoughts that create calmness.
    • Plan your responses. Think ahead about how you’ll react to common challenges.

Examples:

    • Cousin Bertie’s antics: Instead of wishing Bertie wouldn’t drink, expect that he probably will and choose to see the humour in his singing.
    • Mother-in-law’s critiques: Reframe her comments as her way of engaging. Decide to feel calm and smile regardless of her words.

Actions: Implementing Your Plan

Now, combine what you’ve explored and decided – so that you can take deliberate actions to create positive experiences.

Here’s the action part of the exercise:

    1. Write down one challenge you face with a family member.
    2. Identify the thoughts causing your negative feelings.
    3. Replace them with a helpful thought.
    4. Choose an action aligned with this new thought.

Examples:

    • Aunt Mary talks too much: New thought: “That’s just how she is, Aunt Mary loves to connect.” Action: Ask her open-ended questions to steer the conversation.
    • Noisy nephews: New thought: “This is their way of showing excitement.” Action: Suggest a fun game you can enjoy together.
    • Overwhelmed by planning: New thought: “I can ask for help.” Action: Delegate tasks or schedule downtime for yourself.

Short Version / Summary of the Exercise:

    1. Reflect on what you want your family gatherings to look and feel like.
    2. Write down three thoughts you’ll embrace to improve your holiday experience.
    3. Identify one specific action for each thought that aligns with how you want to feel.

If you want, you can start this year to use the holiday season and gatherings as opportunities to show and feel deeper compassion and connection with the members of your family.

This article is part of the ‘How to enjoy the Holidays with Family’ Series.

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