Living our lives intentionally includes thinking about and deciding who we want to be and how we want to show up in our lives.
It also includes deliberately deciding what we want to care about – because it’s important to us – and what we are not willing to care about—because it’s not important to us.
What do you want to care about?
Trying to answer this question can be an intimidating and overwhelming exercise.
Because there is so much to care about!
Everywhere we look, there is something to care about.
We see so many things – in ourselves and others – that we want to improve, change, fix, or act on because we care about them.
However, the caring potential that each of us has is limited.
If we try to care about everything that comes to our mind, that attracts our attention, enthusiasm, or passion, we are doomed to fail, get disappointed and discouraged, get exhausted, and burn out.
Because our time, energy, and personal resources are limited – we can’t care about everything.
Once we recognise that it is impossible to care about everything we want to care about, we can decide to focus our caring potential on the things we personally care about most.
We can decide to deliberately constrain our caring by asking ourselves:
What am I not willing to care about (any longer)?
Little exercise:
Setting up some guiding steps before you start writing down your answer to the question above can be helpful.
Consider these suggestions:
#1 – Make a list of all areas of your life.
Example: Relationships, work, home, fitness and health, finances, personal interests and hobbies, etc.
#2 – Choose the area you want to focus on right now.
Example: My relationships.
#3 – Pick the one segment of your focus area you care about most.
Example: My relationship with my mother.
#4 – List all the things you care about regarding that thing.
Example: What I care about regarding my relationship with my mother:
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- a) She says she is feeling lonely. Should I visit her more often?
- b) I wish she had a closer relationship with Aunt Mary.
- c) I am worried about her health. I think she should eat healthier and drink more water.
- d) I wonder what she is thinking about our recently bought house.
- e) She is always so impatient with the waiters when I take her out for lunch.
- f) She wants me to call her daily, which stresses me out.
#5 – Go through your list again. Can you discover specific patterns? Categories of things you care about?
Example: It seems I am thinking a lot about what she might think of me and what she expects of me. I am worried about her well-being, and in some regards, I am quite judgmental of her.
#6 – Deliberately choose the things you are no longer willing to care about.
Example: I am no longer willing to care about what she thinks of me (d, f). I am no longer willing to care about what (I thought) she should or shouldn’t do. (b, e)
#7 – Cross these things out on your list.
Example:
-
- a) She says she is feeling lonely. Should I visit her more often?
- b) wish she had a closer relationship with Aunt Mary.
- c) I am worried about her health. I think she should eat healthier and drink more water.
- d) I wonder what she is thinking about our recently bought house.
- e) She is always so impatient with the waiters when I take her out for dinner.
- f) She wants me to call her daily, which stresses me out.
#8 – Now, look at what remains on your list. These are the things you want to care about.
Are you taking care of them in the best possible way already? Is there any room for improvement?
Example:
-
- a) I care about her well-being. And although I know that I’m not able to take away her feelings of loneliness, I decide now to visit her twice instead of once each week.
- c) I accept that I can’t make her eat healthier or drink more. However, I’ll ensure she always has healthy snacks and enough water in her kitchen.
#9 – Finally, promise yourself that these – a) and c) – are the only things you will care about regarding your mother.
Nothing else.
Only these two things.
Example:
You will enjoy your relationship with your mother much more – because you now know you care about and take care of what’s most important to you.
Most probably, your mother will enjoy her relationship with you also more. 🙂