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The secret of self-confidence is our willingness to experience any emotion

Self-confidence is a skillset we need to build up and practice

We often think that self-confidence is something that we either have or don’t have.

But confidence is not something that we are born with, it’s not a special talent or gift.

In fact, confidence is an emotion and – as all our emotions – self-confidence is created by our thinking:

The quality and level of our self-confidence depends on our mind – on our thoughts about our capabilities and on our trust in ourselves, and in our willingness to do what we want to do – whatever the consequences of our actions might be.

Where do trustful thoughts about ourselves come from?

It’s easy to think confident thoughts when we have already accomplished something.

And we usually think that we feel confident because we have done it so often, because we have the experience of doing it.

But confidence doesn’t come from doing something many times. It’s just easier to think the thought, ‘I can do that’, when we have done it many times.

Whenever we want to do something we have never done before, we need to feel confident about our ability to do it before we start doing it.

And that’s not so easy most of the time.

We all know from our own experience in different areas of our lives that a lack of self-confidence can keep us from taking action, from doing what we want to do and from trying and achieving new things.

So how can we deliberately create the thought, ‘I can do that’, and then feel confident before we do it?

The main secret to self-confidence is our willingness to experience any emotion.

As human beings we are afraid of the emotion that we expect to feel if we fail.

We are afraid that if we take action and fail at what we are trying to do, we will feel inadequate, humiliated, embarrassed, defeated, … .

If we deliberately decide to be willing to experience any emotion, if we are getting good at feeling any feeling, then we will have self-confidence in everything we do.

The worst that can happen is a negative feeling – and as soon as we know that we can handle any negative feelings, we no longer lack self-confidence.

Two ways to increase our self-confidence

Strategy 1 – Practicing self-confidence producing thoughts

This strategy is quite simple and it can easily be integrated in our daily life.

We first create a list of helpful thoughts – thoughts that support confidence-feelings.

And then we just practice thinking them daily – and particularly when we feel hesitant to take action and do something new.

Some examples:

    • What others think about me is 100% about them, it has nothing to do with me.
    • Fear is no big deal.
    • The worst that can happen is a feeling. I am good at feeling any feeling.
    • Failure earns success. The more I fail, the faster I’ll succeed.
    • The better I fail, the more confident I become.
    • What I make it mean is the worst that can happen.
    • I am willing to do the stuff I am scared of. Again and again.
    • Self-confidence is a skill. I am determined to become an expert at feeling self-confident.
    • I am willing to experience discomfort consistently in order to be more self-confident.
    • (Add thoughts that will help you to feel more confident.)

Strategy 2 – Experiencing failure, on purpose

The ‘Dare of the Day’ Exercise (Source: The Life Coach School)

This exercise helps us to get good at doing things that we are scared of.  because we fear the negative feelings that might come up while we are doing those things or if we fail at finishing them successfully.

The ‘Dare of the Day’ is a challenging exercise but it can also be a lot of fun. And it’s a confidence booster.

Step 1 – Commit yourself to do a ‘Dare of the day’, each day, for 30 days, starting today.

Step 2 – Create a list of ‘Dares of the day’.

Do some brainstorming and write down all the things – big and small – that you don’t feel comfortable doing:

    • Things that you are scared to do for some reason.
    • Things that you always wanted to do but never did (because of fear of failure?).
    • Things that you never considered to do but that might be interesting and offering new experiences and results in your life.
    • Things that allow you to experiment with uncomfortable feelings.
    • Things that are just fun – but a bit scary.

Examples:

    • Go up to a stranger and ask for something.
    • Give someone a compliment who doesn’t expect it.
    • Ask for the day off.
    • Say no when the other person expects a yes.
    • Say yes when the other person expects a no.
    • Ask for a pay raise, or a promotion.
    • Speak in public.
    • Smile at a grumpy stranger.
    • Wear a sexy outfit.
    • Cry in public if you feel like crying.
    • Laugh hysterically in public if you feel like laughing.
    • Ask for a discount.
    • Go on a blind date.
    • Ask someone a huge favour.
    • Offer your help to a stranger.
    • Give your unfriendly neighbour some flowers.
    • Book your first golf lesson.
    • Get up an hour earlier.
    • Come late to an important meeting.
    • Don’t apologize when you are late.
    • Call a family member you haven’t talked to for a long time.
    • Write a letter to apologize for something you feel bad about.
    • Get a new haircut.
    • Ask your dinner guests to go when you are tired.
    • … (Add all the things that scare you – they will help you to grow.)

Play around with as many ideas as possible. You can add to your list whenever new ideas come up.

 “The more outrageous your dare, the more self-confident you will be. The point is to get really good at doing scary things.” (Brooke Castillo)

Step 3 – Each morning, you pick your ‘Dare of the Day’ for that day. And then you do it.

And learn from it.

The best way to do so is to write about it before and after:

    • Why is this thing a dare for you?
    • What are you thinking and feeling before your do it?
    • What are your thoughts and feelings after you did it?

Step 4 – Don’t miss a day for 30 days in a row.

And don’t forget to have fun. Enjoy the process of getting more and more confident. Each ‘Dare of the Day’ will make you stronger.

Tip – You could share this exercise with a family member or friend. Having an accountability partner can help you ‘dare the dares’. And it’s also fun to share your experiences and learn from them together.

Now it’s your turn: 

What’s your ‘Dare of the Day’ – today?

Your mood booster – The 3 G’s

How to feel better, on purpose, here and now

Our brain’s main job is to keep us safe and alive.

That’s why our mind thinks it’s very important that we focus our attention and our thinking all the time on problems and obstacles, difficulties and risks, and potential danger.

But we don’t have to let our mind run on default.

We can intentionally decide what type of thoughts we want to be thinking – which means we can also intentionally direct our feelings.

So if we are in ‘a bad mood’ and we want to change that, we can always go and look at the thoughts that are creating our mood and change them.

Changing our thoughts, however, is not always easy and it can take some time and energy.

But there are short cuts that can help us feel better faster.

The application of ‘the 3 Gs’ is one of them. (Source: April Price)

The 3 Gs – Your immediate mood booster

This little self-coaching tool is easy to apply and you can use it anytime, anywhere to make you feel better almost immediately.

It causes your mind to refocus its attention on the positive – on what’s working, on the abundance of your life, and on the good stuff you want to create in your life.

This is how it works:

Whenever you feel like your mood needs a boost, you ask yourself

    • G 1 – What’s good in my life today/just now?
    • G 2 – What am I particularly grateful for today/just now?
    • G 3 – What goal will make me feel excited today/just now?

EXAMPLE

I use the 3 Gs technique regularly in the early morning.

On many days, I don’t feel very energised and powerful when I wake up. Often, I feel weak and miserable – even if there is no obvious reason.

My strategy now is to give myself a few minutes to create a mood shift before I get out of the bed.

I give my mind an early morning job to do. I ask it to focus its attention and to find answers to the question ‘What are my 3 Gs today?’

Today, for example, my mind and I came up with these answers:

    • G 1 – It’s Good that the client meeting in the afternoon has been cancelled – I can use the time to call my sister and share the latest news.
    • G 2 – I am Grateful that the arrival of our new puppy has now be confirmed for next Monday.
    • G 3 – This is the most exciting Goal on my to-do list today: Ordering toys online for the puppy.

Give it a try.

Take the idea of the 3 Gs along through your day, and then, when the need for a mood booster comes up, you asks your mind to find and focus on 3 attractive Gs.

How to find the good stuff in our lives

Why we should organise a special ‘Easter Egg Hunt around Christmas’ this year

When I wrote my blog post for Easter beginning of April this year (2020), I definitely didn’t expect it to be still valid at the time of the year end holiday season – more than 8 months later.

At that time, I had thought that life would be back to ‘normal’ at the end of the year, I hadn’t had any doubt that Corona would be ‘an old hat’ at Christmas.

I was totally wrong – as nearly everyone.

The Corona Virus is still around, and in many parts of the world the situation has become much worse than anyone had expected. And the tough thing is that it’s still very difficult to ‘see light at the end of the tunnel’.

Life remains challenging!

The header of my article in April was ‘Easter 2020 will not be what Easter used to be’. If I wrote it now, I’d just call it ‘Christmas 2020 will not be what Christmas used to be’ and I could reuse pretty much all of the content again.

Instead of doing so, I’d like to refer you to the Easter post and the idea of a special fun activity I had proposed at that time: ‘The Feeling-better Easter Egg Hunt’ – Searching, finding and appreciating the good stuff.

Have a look at the ‘old’ article – your might want to use the little Egg Hunt exercise as an intentional mood-improvement activity – on your own or with family/friends – during the holidays.

The ‘Treasure Chest’ Exercise offers another great way to strengthen our ‘feeling positive muscle’. Click here and start to collect positive thoughts and feelings.

Look out for ‘the good eggs in your basket’

– for the good things you are personally experiencing right now. And also search for the good stuff that’s happening around you, in your family, in your community, and in the world.

Deliberately appreciating what we have is a great way to make us feel better, on purpose and immediately. We all know that – so let’s do it, now.

How to improve relationships – with family members and others

The holidays with family – good times or bad times?

Traditional family gatherings can create a mixture of emotions and experiences – and not all of them are positive and feel good.

Spending more time than usually with family can be fun, it can build and strengthen feelings of love and connection.

But times of family reunions like the Christmas season, of course, can also include boring or uncomfortable rituals and customs – like long hours of eating, drinking and talking – and strict expectations about how we should behave and contribute to the celebrations. 

Old family stories, the good ones and the bad ones, can still effect the delicate network of feelings that link us with our close and also with the more distant family members.

Also, relationships between family members or between groups of relatives can change over time, they can improve but they can also deteriorate for various reasons.

We don’t feel close to and we don’t like everyone just because they are somehow related to us.

This might not be an issue during the year when we manage to avoid seeing them but it can become a problem if we are expected to spend a lot of time with them over the festive season.

What can we do to improve our relationships with ‘difficult’ family members?

Our thoughts determine the quality of our relationships with other people. What we think about a family member influences how we feel and act when we are with them.

If we think that a person ‘is difficult’ we will feel a certain type of emotion – like stress, defensiveness, frustration, judgment – which will lead to a certain type of behaviour – like trying to avoid that person, treating them with unfriendliness, reacting in a resentful way – which will most probably make our relationship and our encounters with that person difficult.

Gaining awareness is always the starting point for positive change

Before we can make any change to the better, we have to become aware of the thoughts we have about the person with whom we want to get on better.

And very often, gaining awareness of our thinking is actually all we need to open us up and create an understanding that allows us to change our thoughts, feelings and actions – and automatically the relationship will change.

A great technique to increase our self-awareness and our openness to see the other one in a more objective and neutral way is to deliberately focus our attention on the fact that there is a lot we have in common with the other person.

This technique (source: Jody Moore) is easy to apply and really helpful when we struggle or feel stuck in our relationship with another person.

A mind-opening question: In which ways is he/she just like you?

Instead of just thinking, ‘She is difficult’, we can ask ourselves: ‘In what ways is she like me?’

And when we answer this question honestly, we can easily see: ‘Yes, she is difficult in certain areas, like I am difficult in certain areas. She is just like me!’

EXAMPLE

Imagine this little scenario:

You are preparing the Christmas dinner.

Your sister joins you in the kitchen and very soon you are in a disagreement with her about how to cook a certain dish. If you are arguing and feeling defensive it’s probably because you are having thoughts like, ‘She is wrong, I am right. As always, she is not listening, she is not respecting my way of doing things.’

Now is the right time for you to stop and interrupt what’s going on in your mind by asking yourself, ‘ In what ways is she like me?’

It might be that there is a lot you share with your sister:

    • She has clear ideas about the preparation of the food – just like you.
    • She has opinions about the steps to be taken, and she gets confused if other people don’t see it her way – just like you.
    • She wants validation and wants to be right – just like you.
    • She might be feeling disrespected – just like you.

Seeing all the ways your sister is just like you will help you feel compassion and connected to her.

Give it a try 

– when you are feeling attacked or annoyed by people, of if you are feeling judgemental of others –

take a step back and deliberately appreciate all the areas where you are the same.

It will get you to a more compassionate place. And to better relationships.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Are you tired?

Tired of trying to (re)organise the various areas of your life entirely on your own?

Tired of investing vast amounts of time and energy in finding a way to create a better organised = better life?

Tired of feeling overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, stressed, disappointed, exhausted, …?

Fortunately, you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.

We can do it together.

You can decide to get my support, advice, and guidance – and achieve the desired changes in your life so much faster and easier. 

Check out how I can help you.

What to do if mirroring others’ behaviours and attitudes doesn’t serve us

What is mirroring and how can we manage it intentionally?

Human beings are social beings and that’s why relationships with others impact our lives significantly.

We all crave connection and approval, we want and need to feel loved and valued by others, especially our family members and close friends.

As relationships are so important to us, we want them to be good, and healthy, positive and enjoyable.

But – as we all know – relationships can be challenging and complicated in dynamics.

This is especially the case at times like the upcoming festive season when we come together with family members we haven’t seen for a while, and when we generally spend much more time together with our relatives than usual throughout the year.

We want to have a good time together and enjoy each other’s company.

A typical human way of building strong connections and greater understanding with someone else is to mirror the other person.

Mirroring happens subconsciously most of the time. We are usually not aware that we are replicating another person’s nonverbal signals, that we imitate their gestures, speech patterns, attitudes or moods.

The positive effects of mirroring each other

In many circumstances and situations, mirroring serves us well and there is no need to become more aware of our imitating actions and reactions. We don’t need to change what makes us feel good.

Imagine a situation like this one:

Your aunt is coming over for Christmas dinner. And she is apparently very happy to see you, she is lovely and kind, and smiling, and curious and asks you a lot of questions.

You’ll probably mirror her without even thinking about it: You direct your attention to your aunt, and start smiling, too, and you react and respond in a kind and friendly way, and show interest in her. The two of you have a lively conversation and feel connected and close to each other.

The negative effects of mirroring each other

Unconscious mirroring, though, can also create problems occasionally. And it seems that this happens especially in emotionally charged situations such as family gatherings.

We not only mirror positive good-feeling signals from others, we also mirror negative attitudes and behaviours.

If someone is critical or judgemental of us, our default reaction is to move into that same negative space. We tend to become critical and judgemental, too.

Imagine a scenario like this one:

Your mother-in-law joins you in the kitchen while you are preparing the Christmas dinner. And she immediately starts criticising what you are doing, suggesting other – ‘better’ – ways of meal preparations, giving comments like ‘you never knew how to do this correctly, I’ll better do this’.

Your normal human behaviour will be to mirror her – you will begin to think and feel and act critically and judgemental of her. Additionally, you might judge yourself for criticising your mother-in-law for her judgments of you. Probably, the atmosphere at dinner will not be very easy-going and joyful.

How can we break the circle of mirroring?

As human beings, we have the ability to override our default mirroring settings, we can decide to stop mirroring the people around us.

Breaking the pattern requires awareness.

In many cases, just the awareness of it will help us to immediately let go of the mirroring. 

In other cases, it requires special attention and effort to make changes, especially if the cycle of mirroring was established a while ago and has become a habit for one (or both) people in the relationship.

We know what to expect especially in our most challenging relationships. We know what’s probably going to happen – and we can decide to no longer allow the automatic mirroring to happen!

It helps to be well prepared and intentional before we enter a situation that usually initiates the negative mirroring on one (or both) sides.

We take our time to find one helpful thought that we want to choose on purpose when the challenging encounter takes place next time.

And we memorise that thought. We practice it, again and again, until we are 100% sure that we will easily remember it when we’ll need it.

A powerful thought for the mother-in-law scenario described above could be:

    • My mother-in-law is critical and judgemental and that’s o.k. It’s all about her and has nothing to do with me. She can be critical – and I can be calm.
    • Or: Okay, she needs to be right all the time. I can understand that. I don’t mind. I don’t need to be right all the time.
    • Or: Mirroring my mother-in-law is a choice. This year I choose not to mirror her. That’s actually a relief. I can show up as I want to.

What about you and your mirroring tendencies?

What are the situations and relationships that trigger your negative mirroring pattern?

What if you decided to get well prepared – choose a powerful thought and practice it! – and to let go of the mirroring?

How could that positively change the ‘typical’ scenario?

We are all in control of our life experience – if we decide to actively take control of our mind.

Our thoughts not only determine the quality of our relationships with our family members and friends, but they also determine our relationship with our home, our money, our health, our work – and our relationship with ourselves.

We can change and improve any relationship and experience in our life if we change and improve what we are thinking.

Letting go of the clutter in our mind enables us to move on and create the relationships and experiences we want to have.

The ‘How to enjoy the Holidays with Family’ Series.

Read more:

What do you want to think about your family

“Our families are opportunities for us to grow” (Brooke Castillo)

Are you aware of the thoughts you have about your (extended) family?

The importance of what we think and feel about our family relationships and how we act when we are with our family is not restricted to a certain time of the year, of course.

But what we think about (our) family is especially important at the end of the year, or during other festive seasons, when most of us find themselves involved and engaged in an increased number of often very traditional family events and gatherings.

Our thoughts trigger our feelings which create our actions which finally create the results in our life.

So whatever we think about our family and the individual family members will determine what we feel and do when we are with them.

Consider these questions related to (your) family:

    • What does the word ‘family’ mean to you? What does it mean when you relate it to your family?
    • What do the various family roles like ‘mother’, ‘father’, ‘sister’, ‘brother’, ‘uncle’, ‘grandmother’, etc. mean to you? What do they mean when you relate them to your mother, your father, your sister, etc.?
    • What are the unquestioned obligations, traditions, expectations related to your family that deserve some questioning?

If you take the time to really think about it and to write down any thoughts coming up in your mind – are those thoughts something you consciously decided to think?

And do you like your thoughts? Do they feel good? Are they helpful and do they serve you and your relationships with your family?

Now, when you go and attend a family event, like Christmas dinner with your family of origin, and you bring along your thoughts about your family and its members – do your thoughts create positive emotions and activities and experiences for you (and your family)?

Most people approach the festive season with a mixture of feelings: love and connection, excitement and anticipation, but probably also nervousness or stress, or boredom, or even anxiety or resentment.

A recipe for successful relationships – Drop your expectations

Awareness and courageous decisiveness is all we need if we want to make positive changes, in any area of our life.

As soon as we become aware of our current thoughts and evaluate what we like or don’t like about them, we can decide what we want to think (and feel and do) in future.

We can’t control and change other people – if we expect family members to change their behaviour or if we expect them to change their expectations of us, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

But we have 100% control of our thoughts, feelings and actions.

And this means that we have control of our experiences – our experiences of the relationships we have with our family members and our experiences of the events we share with them.

So how do you want your experiences of the holidays with family to look like?

What do you most desire when it comes to your family?

How do you want to experience the family gatherings and the time you share with each individual family member?

Make a plan and create a list of the things you want to think, feel and do to make this year’s holidays with family a success for yourself (and probably automatically also for others).

Consider these examples to get you going:

    • If your Aunt Mary always talks too much and you judge what she says as boring and try to avoid her – what could you think, feel and do instead to make the conversation with her more interesting for both of you?
    • If your Cousin Bertie always gets drunk and starts singing later in the evening – how could you drop your expectation of him remaining sober this year (why should he?) and just accept him as he is?
    • If your mother-in-law always criticises your food preparations – how could you change your thoughts about this so that you feel relaxed and calm whatever she says to you?
    • If your little nephews often get on your nerves because they are so noisy and demanding – which activities could you consider to suggest so that you feel connected with them and have fun while playing with them?
    • If you feel stressed and overwhelmed each year because of all the things you have to organise and manage – what type of support could you think of and how could you feel good about asking for help?
    • If your sister expects you always to try all her deserts and praise each of them – how could you prepare yourself so that you could behave in a determined but kind way when you tell her that you no longer eat what you don’t want to eat?

Now it’s your turn!

Write down the thoughts you have about your extended family and the individual family members.

Then, as soon as you are more aware of your conscious and unconscious thoughts, start to make deliberate decisions about those that don’t serve you and your relationships with your family.

Decide to let them go and to choose thoughts that help you enjoy your relationships with your family – during the holidays and at other times of the year.  

You can decide to use the holidays with family as an opportunity to grow. 

The ‘How to enjoy the Holidays with Family’ Series.

Read more:

How to deal with stubborn negative thoughts – and immediately feel better

A quick solution to disempower negative thoughts

Doing the mind-organising work – letting go of self-limiting thoughts and moving on with new powerful thoughts – on a regular basis is the best way to take active ownership of our mind and our life.

Our thoughts – what we think about the circumstances in our life – are so important because they are the cause of everything that’s happening in our life:

What we think determines what we feel, our feelings determine how we act (or don’t act), and our actions determine the results in our life.

If we don’t like how our life looks like, or if we want to feel or act differently, we need to find and practice other/better thoughts.

Finding and thinking new thoughts is not always easy and it can take some time.

We have to become aware of what we are currently thinking and then experiment with new thoughts that might be suitable to replace the current thought. And then we have to practice the new thought.

In our daily lives, things tend to happen quickly and unexpectedly.

And it’s our mind’s job to immediately bring up its default thoughts which then cause unwanted and unhelpful feelings, actions and results. If we don’t pay attention and take control!

So what’s a quick solution – if we don’t have the time to redirect our mind toward the thoughts we want it to think intentionally?

When our mind ‘stubbornly’ insists to continue thinking a certain thought, it sometimes can be helpful to agree with our mind (Source: April Price Coaching).

We can decide not to try to prove it wrong in that moment. We deliberately agree to the thought our mind is bringing up – but with conditions!

Rather than trying to think a whole new thought we kind of accept the unhelpful thought, we don’t fight it – but we add a little clause, a little condition to it.

EXAMPLES

Example 1

Let’s imagine you decided to go through a new 4-week fitness program and on the first day in the gym your mind immediately brings up the thought ‘My muscles will hurt. This is really hard!’

Instead of fighting this thought you now add a little thought like ‘it’s o.k.’ or similar:

    • My muscles will hurt. This is really hard! – And that’s o.k.
    • My muscles will hurt. This is really hard! – And that’s not a bad thing.
    • My muscles will hurt. This is really hard! – And that’s how it’s supposed to be.
    • My muscles will hurt. This is really hard! – And I can do hard things.

Example 2

Let’s say you made a booking for a networking event and offered to give a short speech. Now your mind comes up with the thought ‘I am not good at giving speeches, I am going to fail.’

You accept your mind’s point of view but add a little phrase:

    • I am not good at giving speeches, I am going to fail – and I am doing it anyway.
    • I am not good at giving speeches, I am going to fail – and that will help me get better at speaking.
    • I am not good at giving speeches, I am going to fail – so what?

Example 3

Your friend promised to help you with your tax return and then cancels the appointment. Your mind suggests the thought ‘I can’t rely on other people, I am always on my own.’

Adding some words to this thought helps you to get rid of any upcoming (and useless) feelings of self-pity or anger:

    • I can’t rely on other people, I am always on my own – and that’s o.k.
    • I can’t rely on other people, I am always on my own – and that’s good, it makes me independent.
    • I can’t rely on other people, I am always on my own – no problem at all.

Deliberately allowing a negative thought, without resisting it, makes it immediately less powerful and makes you feel stronger and more in control.

Give it a try.

Next time when a negative thought comes up and you struggle to let it go in that moment, decide to allow it and add something that expresses your acceptance of the thought and makes you feel better.

The important thing here is to find a little phrase that is right for you – there is no standard phrase that works for all of us.

Experiment and play around with different phrases and then practice the most suitable so that you can remember it easily whenever you need it.

 

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Are you tired?

Tired of trying to (re)organise the various areas of your life entirely on your own?

Tired of investing vast amounts of time and energy in finding a way to create a better organised = better life?

Tired of feeling overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, stressed, disappointed, exhausted, …?

Fortunately, you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.

We can do it together.

You can decide to get my support, advice, and guidance – and achieve the desired changes in your life so much faster and easier. 

Check out how I can help you.

An effective decluttering strategy for negative thoughts – Out of sight out of mind

Decluttering our home is not always easy.

Sometimes, we struggle to let go of a possession although we don’t use it or don’t like it.

    • It could be a pair of shoes that we bought 6 months ago and have never worn. We don’t want to give it away because, yes, it’s a bit small, but maybe we could wear it without socks in summer?
    • Or a picture we inherited from our grandmother. Whenever we look at it we think that it actually doesn’t fit in our home and that we don’t like it. But how could we dare to get rid of it – it’s from our grandmother!

In situations like these, if often helps to put that item in question away for a while.

We put the shoes in a box in the garage and decide to get them out again in 3 months. We take grandma’s picture from the wall and hide it behind the wardrobe for 30 days.

And then we wait and see what happens.

Do we miss the thing that’s no longer visible and accessible? Most often, we don’t. We completely forget about its existence.

Then, after 3 months or 30 days have passed, it’s easy to now take the final step and get the item out of the house.

It is similar with the useless things we keep in our mind.

Decluttering our mind is also not always easy.

Sometimes, we struggle to let go of a thought although we know that it doesn’t serve us, that it holds us back, has become a burden.

It could be a thought we ‘inherited’ from someone else.

Maybe our teacher in primary school has ‘given’ us the thought that we are hopeless when it comes to finishing a task on time. We keep the thought, ‘I don’t manage to finish things on time’ although we know it’s definitely not serving us. We might even doubt that it is true but still can’t let it go.

It could be a thought that we ourselves ‘invented’ and keep thinking.

We, for example, have decided that if we don’t say what we think we can avoid the risk of hurting someone else’s feelings. We don’t like this thought because it makes our relationships complicated but we struggle to get it out of our mind.

In these mind-clutter situations we can apply the same strategy that’s so helpful with physical clutter issues:

We get the ugly or useless or harmful thought out of the way for some time. And we decide to replace it with another thought for that period of time.

EXERCISE

Step 1 – Choose a thought that you don’t like and that’s not serving you.

Something like ‘I don’t manage to finish things on time’ from the example above. This thought makes us feel incompetent and slow which causes us to act in an incompetent way which creates results that reinforce the ‘fact’ that we don’t finish things on time.

Step 2 – Decide what you want to think instead.

Now you play around with different thoughts that you could use as a replacement for the old one.

If we take the example above, we could ask ourselves, ‘What do I have to think so that I feel competent and agile and act in a way that lets me finish things on time?’  A suitable thought could be, ‘I know what to do and I do it efficiently, on time’. If that thought doesn’t fit yet, we could choose something like ‘I am good at learning to do things efficiently and on time’.

Step 3 – You practice the new thought and lock the old one away

You store the old thought away at the back of your mind and practice the new thought continuously. And whenever the old thought pops up, you remind yourself, ‘Oh no, I’m not thinking that thought for a month. For now, I only allow myself to think the new thought’.

The nice thing with thoughts that we have proven to be useless and powerless is that they disappear on their own – as soon as we have successfully established the new thought in our mind, they old one is gone – it vanishes into thin air.

How to get out of confusion IF YOU THINK you don’t know what to do

Confused? What if you knew what to do?

So often when we are faced with a challenge, or a new task, or a tough goal, our mind guides us into confusion.

It brings up thoughts like ‘I don’t know what to do’, ‘I don’t know where and how to start’, ‘I don’t know how to do this’.

The result of feeling confused is, of course, feeling stuck and overwhelmed.

And not doing anything.

We can get ourselves out of confusion and indecision by asking ourselves

    • ‘If I did know what to do, what would I do?
    • And then, what would I do next?’

Now our mind has a clear task it can focus on, it has a problem to solve. All we have to do is to give our mind time and space to think.

It might need some practice but soon your mind will get used to focus on finding answers and solutions instead of spinning around in confusion.

Answer your questions in writing

It’s a good idea to put your thoughts down in writing. Writing slows us down and allows us to process our thoughts better.

Get out a pen and some paper and start writing.

Write out your problem and then write out the two question – and your answers. In writing!

    • ‘If I did know what to do, what would I do?
    • And then, what would I do next?’

Trust yourself, your mind will find the answers.

Why we shouldn’t listen to our mind if it wants to save energy

Don’t let energy-conserving thoughts get in your way

Our mind’s main interest is to keep us safe and comfortable all the time.

One of its built-in survival instincts is to conserve energy whenever possible.

Thus, when we decide to do something that we assume might be hard or exhausting, our mind’s on-default reaction will be to bring up objecting thoughts.

Our mind automatically overestimates the discomfort involved, underestimates the pleasure and joy we will get from doing the work, and tries to prevent us from spending energy on it.

However, often when our mind brings up the thought that doing something should be avoided because it is too hard and exhausting, the result is actually the opposite:

Instead of feeling tired and exhausted, we feel good and energised and fit and strong as soon as the work is done (and often while doing it).

This is good to know!

We don’t have to listen to our mind all the time

Next time when our brain thinks something is (too) hard to do and tries to make us feel reluctant to do what we decided to do, we can deliberately switch our point of view.

We can decide to focus on the positive results that we expect to get from doing the work. We stop listening to our mind, and we deliberately choose a thought that makes us feel like doing what we wanted to do.

In most cases, we will be glad we did.

Because it feels so good to have positive feelings before we get active and it feels fantastic to experience the positive results which are waiting for us on the other side of the action.

The starting point for all these good feelings, actions and results is a good thought – always.

EXAMPLE

Let’s imagine you made a firm decision to declutter the attic on next Saturday.

You had been postponing this activity for a while.

Now you take the effort to write down your thoughts about it:

‘This is so much work. It will take the whole day and it will be exhausting. There is so much rubbish up there, all that dusty and useless stuff. We should never have bought a house with an attic.’

No wonder that always procrastination had been the winner in this discussion. And now again your mind comes up with

‘No, no, no! This is too hard! It’s a stupid idea to clear up the attic in summer. Let’s do it in winter.’

You tell your mind ‘Stop talking! It’s my turn now!’ and you ask yourself,

‘How would I be thinking about this project if I focused on the positive results?’

Your new thoughts are:

‘It’s really time that we make good use of the attic. It’s so much space and light up there, we might be able to use the attic as a home office. And imagine all the good things that are currently hidden under the clutter. I am really curious what we will find there. This will be fun. And we will celebrate the clean attic with a barbecue party on Saturday evening.’

Are you getting excited now? Energised? Determined to get it done?

NOW LET’S GET REAL.

Think about a project that you have been postponing for a while.

As you now know, you have to expect your mind to object. And that’s o.k., it’s its job.

But this time you decide that you no longer want to listen to your mind’s counter arguments.

Now you are taking the lead:

    • The first step is to list all the positive results you expect to achieve.
    • The second step is to make a plan.
    • The third step is to take action.
    • And the final step is to enjoy the results of your work. 

You are the storyteller of your life

“How we see ourselves is the most important factor in what we will do and the results we will get in our lives.” (Brooke Castillo, The Life Coach School)

Your story determines your life. 

The greatest gift you can give yourself is to intentionally decide what you tell yourself and others about yourself and your life. 

The stories we tell ourselves determine how we show up in life – and how we show up in life determines the results we get.

If we want to make changes in our lives, we need to intentionally change the stories/thoughts in our minds.

    • First, we have to become aware of the stories we tell about ourselves. 
    • Then, we clean up our stories about ourselves. We declutter any self-limiting thoughts and replace them with new ones.
    • Supported by our new thoughts about ourselves, we tell a different story and can start to feel and act differently, more in accordance with who and how we want to be. 

What’s your (current) story?

Our thoughts often are so ‘normal’ and common that we don’t realise we have them.

We have to learn to pay close attention to what’s going on in our minds.

Take the questions listed below as a guideline and start to write down your story by answering the questions.

Don’t overthink it, just start writing. Trust yourself and don’t hold yourself back, tell yourself all your thoughts about yourself and your life.

Ask yourself questions like these 

    • What do I think about myself? About my personality?
    • What do I think about my abilities? About my weaknesses?
    • What do I think about my accomplishments? About my failures?
    • What do I think about myself compared to others?
    • What do I think about my life?
    • What do I think about important parts of my life (my relationships, my finances, my work, my home, etc.)?
    • What do I think about my past?
    • What do I think about my future?
    • What else do you think is important to think about?

What do you like about your story? What do you not like?

Write it down.

What could be your new story?

Now, write the story you want to tell about yourself. There are no limitations. You can tell any story about yourself and your life. 

Useful questions to ask yourself – and answer:

    • Who do I want to be?
    • How do I want to define myself?
    • How do I want to think about myself?
    • How do I want to feel about myself?
    • What do I want to achieve?
    • What do I want my story to be? If my life was a book, what are the titles of this book and its chapters?
    • What do I want the next stage of my life to look like? What’s the title of this new chapter in my life book?
    • What else do you want to ask yourself – and answer?

Don’t rush into your new story! 

For many of us, putting ourselves in the centre of our attention and care feels a bit weird.

Intentionally thinking about ourselves and uncovering the stories we have been telling ourselves (and others) about our lives and about ourselves are activities we are not used to and we have not been trained to do.

So, you mustn’t try to rush through the process.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel like noticing, observing, evaluating your thoughts about yourself. Take your time.

Always remember:

You are the storyteller.

The stories you tell about yourself, the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself – they are all choices. You can but you don’t have to keep them. You can intentionally make new choices. And tell a different story. A story you love to tell.

“You are the storyteller of your own life, and you can create your own legend, or not.” (Isabel Allende)

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Are you tired?

Tired of trying to (re)organise the various areas of your life entirely on your own?

Tired of investing vast amounts of time and energy in finding a way to create a better organised = better life?

Tired of feeling overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, stressed, disappointed, exhausted, …?

Fortunately, you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.

We can do it together.

You can decide to get my support, advice, and guidance – and achieve the desired changes in your life so much faster and easier. 

Check out how I can help you.

How to reach goals and create positive change in our life – Our future self can help

Taking action to create the life we want is not always easy.

When we decide to make changes in our life or set a goal, we usually feel excited and determined to do whatever we have to do to realise the change, to achieve the goal.

However, doing the work isn’t so much fun in many cases.

We have to be willing to invest time, effort and energy, we might feel uncomfortable and anxious about how to get the work done.

So how can we keep ourselves going if we get stuck, if we feel like giving up and quitting the work, even before it has started or as soon as tough challenges show up?

We can ask our most powerful friend for help and support – our future self.

Download the free guide to your future self now so that you can start working with her towards your goals.

You future self will help you do what you want and need to do.

Together you will develop an action plan that really works. It includes all the things you need to start, stop, or continue doing in order to create the results you want to have in your life.

Start to create the life you want – now.